Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
My innocent look never works in the nude.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
Hold boobs not grudges.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.