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You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
At least a stalker is there for you.