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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.