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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?