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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"