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You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.