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I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.