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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.