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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.