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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.