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I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.