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Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."