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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!