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If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.