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I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.