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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.