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Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.