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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.