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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?