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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P