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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.