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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.