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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them