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If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.