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Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.