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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.