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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.