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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?