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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist