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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.