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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Iām home alone. Time to start my concert.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Iām not crazy just the voices are!
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.