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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.