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Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
Bless me Father for I hit send.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.