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Jesus is coming.... look busy
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...