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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone