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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.