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If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.