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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
I order all my food with extra gluten.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
My memory foam has amnesia
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.