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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.