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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.