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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.