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Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.