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Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
I`m perfect you adjust.