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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I think...therefore, I am.....single
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
no..i am not drunk, floors needs hugs too ! :p
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.