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The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it