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i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?