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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
I dare you to spit on this status.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.