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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job