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How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?