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Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.