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One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!