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Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
is in no shape to exercise
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
is accepting applications. Needed someone to keep me from doing dumb stuff. See previous post.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.