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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?