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"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
Adding lyrics when you don`t know the words or making words up when you don`t speak the language. ;)
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.