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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.