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I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-