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At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.